Friday, January 20, 2012

paper thing

Alec Sterling
Mrs. Woods
He10!!!
January 19, 2012
Rushing Dangers
            The boy walked into the living room from his bedroom in his father’s small studio apartment, in downtown Chicago. His father had already left for work at the Chicago police department this warm July morning. He dressed quickly, sparing no time to get to his friend Dan’s apartment on the thirteenth floor. He ran to the stairs, not even glancing twice at the elevator knowing that it would slow him down. As he climbed from the tenth floor to the thirteenth his mind raced about what his father had said the morning before: “Ben, nothing has ever been more important than what I tell you now. Stay inside and don’t trust strangers. I will try to be home around ten tonight.” This thought tended to put him in a panic, but he struggled against it to keep calm. It was eight A.M. his father had told him that he would be home ten hours ago, but had never shown up. He had finally reached his friend Dan’s door. He banged frantically, as though his life depended on it. Dan answered the door with a yawn unaware of Ben’s bewildered mood.
            “Hey what’s up?” Dan exclaimed, with a speed as to compensate for his sluggish opening of the door.
            “Dude is your Dad here?” Ben blurted out.
            “Nah he’s at the police station helping to try to put an end to those layoff riots, and moms at work at the accounting office like every other Tuesday.” Dan said.
            “My dad said he would be home last night but he’s still gone…” Ben started
            “I’m sure he’s fine; they’re just really busy with those riots outside south Lawndale – anyways, when has your dad ever been in trouble? Plus, he’s with my dad and tons of other officers,” Dan calmly stated, cutting Ben off from his moment of panic.
            “Yeah, I guess you’re right… what are you watching?” All Ben had to do was keep his cool, and he’d be all right.
            “Oh that’s the news in the living room. Want to come in and watch?”
            “Sure, I’ve got nothing better to do.”
            “Dude, they have some pretty cool footage of the riots… there getting worse, you almost kind of want to join them, just for the rush of the moment…” Dan stated, his excitement of the whole ordeal getting more obvious.
            “Nah, my dad would kick my butt if he found out,” Ben said with some humor under his breath.
            The news reporter disrupted their previous story with an emergency alert message. “A police officer has gone missing in South Lawndale; I am being told that his name is Alex Nagel. This area is now swarming with rioters, so bad to the point that our helicopter was shot at as it hovered for this cataclysmic footage. The riots are now…”Ben didn’t hear the rest of the report, the only thing he could think of is that his father is now missing in the hellish riots outside of his cozy apartment complex.
            “Still want to go out there?” Dan exclaimed sarcastically.
            “Sure lets go, I’ll head towards South Lawndale, you stay here and be watch the news, keep me posted.”
            “No, I’ll go to.”
            “I don’t need any help.” Ben whispered back making it just loud enough to be heard by Dan.
            “Ok then…well…if he has been found I’ll call you, so keep your phone close,” Dan said, almost apologetic for Ben’s sad situation.
            Ben ran to the stairs to search for his father who he was sure was being held by the rioters. He was so sure of his father’s predicament that leaving the apartment he didn’t bother to sneak, but ran through the streets, police believing he was another rioter charging their defenses opened fire on the mob, including Ben, who was dead before he hit the ground. Dan was sitting down when the phone rang. It was Ben’s father, calling to say he was fine and at the police station. Dan knew where his friend was but chose to lie to Ben’s dad to protect him from the truth, telling him that Ben was here and that he was in the bathroom and could not speak. Dan hung up the phone and rushed straight for the door he never thought he would reach. He ran into the heated streets hoping that he would not be too far behind Ben. As he left the door to the apartment complex he saw something that would haunt him for the rest of his life. That’s when it hit him; he realized what he had seen in the street. He instantly felt like death was knocking on his door, as he kneeled down holding up his once good friend Ben’s lifeless body from the burning pavement. Holding him as the last warmth in his own body and soul crept away from him; the paramedics ripped Ben from Dan’s ice cold grip on his once best friend. This boy knew no warmth. Dan walked the stairs slowly and dialed 911 on his home phone. Slowly he managed to whisper out, “Could I please speak with Officer Nagel?” As he dropped the bomb on the person closest to Ben he couldn’t help but feel horrible that he had not stuck with Ben, but had let him go out on his own, which may have led to his dismal end. Dan let the phone down, with the broken man on the other end, as he slumped against the wall thinking, who was the creator of his pains and sorrows at this moment of complete dread?

Mimic Lines from To Build a Fire
“This thought tended to put him in a panic, but he fought against it and kept calm.”
“All a man had to do was keep his head, and he was all right.”
“This man did not know cold.”

9 comments:

  1. Alec you did a good job of incorporating a personal experience. I don't like that the character named Ben just gets rocked right away but other than that you have a good story.

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  2. Alec very good story. Overall the story wasn't very deviating and got straight to the point. You could have added some diction or other literary techniques to make it better. Overall very good paper.

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  3. Alec this was a pretty interesting story and different from the other ones I've read. I liked how the plot was driven and direct, but a little more on how the characters were feeling could have given their actions more impact.

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  4. I personally enjoy the fact that the characters name is Ben. I thought this story was very interesting and I liked the whole idea. But you could have had more showing and not telling. Overall good story.

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  5. This story is well written. I liked how you didn't get off topic at all and you just simply got to the main point. Next time you might want to add some better vocab, but overall this story is great with a very interesting idea.

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  6. I liked your topic of the story but I felt the scene where Ben finds out his father is missing could have been written more descriptive to get the full emotion of what Ben was feeling. But overall it was a really good story.

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  7. Great story Alec. I like how you get right to the point in your story but you could have made it more interesting through imagery and better word diction. Overall, great story!

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  8. Alec, I liked your story. The plot was well thought out. One thing you could improve on might be your second mimic phrase (All Ben had to do was keep his cool, and he’d be all right). It sounded good, but when I read it, it seemed like you forced it in where you put it. I feel like you could have found a better place for it, but the story was awesome. Keep up the good work.

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  9. I liked your plot idea Alec, and your mimic lines were well placed adding to the flow of the story. It bacame a little wordy with all of the talking near the middle, however, you made up for it with the descriptive context at the end. Overall, nice job.

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